In about a week, I
will be leaving London indefinitely. It’s a conscious choice I’ve made myself to
pursue other dreams, which is why I doubt it every single day. I do love
London. Strangely and unexpectedly, it was love at first sight. I don’t know
what I expected, but it was green and busy and beautiful… There was just
something about it. I don’t know… How do you explain falling in love? Anyway,
it’s been quite a ride we’ve had together. I can’t say I’ve enjoyed every
minute of it, but I surely don’t regret any of it and I’d do it all again. Yet,
I think London – older and wiser than I’ll ever be – always knew it wouldn’t
last. And, in the last few months, I’ve come to realize it may be right.
So I’ve done my best
to make my potentially last prolonged stint in London worthwhile. I’ve been to
most of my favourite places and tried to visit as many of those not yet seen as
possible. Funnily, in my head, I’m still a Londoner. When I step aside in the
National Gallery to let a tourist take a selfie with a Monet (what for??),
because I can always come back. When I see an advert of a new store to be
opened in Regent St and think, oh, cool, I’ll come check it out when they open.
When I think of going back to Hampstead Heath and Kenwood House next weekend,
if the weather’s good… Oh, I won’t be here… I’m slowly becoming to realize that
I might never get to see Severndroog Castle, which, if you didn’t know, isn’t
actually a castle at all. Or the Chelsea Psychic Garden… And there will be a
day when I’ll see Bloomsbury and Primrose Hill and the Cut and South Bank and…
possibly for the last time. I wonder when it’ll actually hit me and how hard?
But then, I’m leaving by choice and I hope I’ll get to choose to come back…
Before I leave,
though, I’ll need to entertain some visitors. And I’m already getting
concerned, well, panicked, because I always want my friends and family to love
London as much as I have and quite a few of them just don’t see it. Where do I
take a person who doesn’t really want to do any of the things I usually do
myself – visit museums, walk, observe? Or, actually, how to I make someone fall
in love with something I love, if I can’t quite put a finger on it myself? So,
a few days ago, I was strolling in central London contemplating just that and took
a seat in the most cliché of all tourist attractions anywhere in the world –
Trafalgar Square. On the steps leading up to the National Gallery, the lions, Nelson
and Big Ben in front of me. And suddenly it came to me. At least some of it. The
scene in front of me was London in a nutshell. Like these pictures they
sometimes have in children’s books, where there is too many elements together
in one picture and it doesn’t really make sense unless you know the whole
story. This is London. There is always too many elements in one picture. Historic
buildings, famous landmarks, red double-deckers, police cars, the lions and pigeons,
street performers and vendors, people, masses of all sorts of people, always
and anywhere an airplane in the sky… you name it, it’s there. London is a
constant sensory overload, you don’t need to go somewhere to see something
exciting, different, something you hadn’t noticed before. It hits you in the
face, every step you take. I also realised something else. It is indeed about
how we perceive the world. What I see as infectious, intoxicating LIFE, which
makes you feel alive as well, is simply too much noise, too many people, too
much to process for someone else. What I love about London, they hate. They can’t
help it. And I certainly can’t.
So, I was sitting
there in Trafalgar Square in not quite warm April sunshine, it was a beautiful
day and, for a blink, I kind of wished this moment could last forever and I
would never need anything else. Alone in a foreign country, single, childless,
at crossroads… none of it mattered. What is love? What makes you happy? Even if
it doesn’t always love you back…
How will I ever
explain this to my visitors? I won’t. I’ll show them what I see and they’ll see
something else. Hopefully, they’ll find it worth their while. The real question
is, though, how will I ever say goodbye to London? Or perhaps I won’t have to. It
will always live in my heart. And believe it or not I will cherish the memories
of endless bus rides, soaking wet and with a splitting headache, wishing I was
there, but not quite wanting to arrive as much as the one of this moment of
truth in Trafalgar Square. Thank you for everything, London, you have made me
feel alive.
…
Has this world been so kind to you that you
should leave with regret? There are better things ahead than any we leave
behind. – C.S. Lewis
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